originally posted june 14, 2004

stability or stagnation?

There's nothing like a little chaos to mix up a well-ordered life.

master of delusion

I've been using the Internet since 1992. Whether it's on a 1200-baud modem or a DSL connection, almost all conversation on-line is done with nothing more than typed words. Writing the words isn't what's hard. For me, the difficulty is in knowing how to read them.

Time and time again, I've misinterpreted signals. It's hard enough when you can actually see the person; it's even tougher to read emotions correctly from a chat window. What's written as *love* or <3 isn't love. *hug*s aren't hugs. The list goes on. You'd think that these would be common sense, but I guess I'm emotionally illiterate.

Last November, I went to visit a friend of mine who I had known -- and been interested in -- for about four years. I had told her as such via IM (from about 100 feet away!) in the fall of 1999. She said at that time that we couldn't be any more than just friends; anything more would "ruin everything." Yet somehow, in my mind, I didn't believe that. My self-delusion lasted for years after that.

More recently, I traveled down to DC to visit a long-time friend that I hadn't spoken to for three years until this February. She knew that there was nothing that would happen between us, telling me years ago that she regarded me more like a brother than a boyfriend. Then, too, I heard what she said but didn't really take it to heart. The whole weekend I was a nervous wreck, clinging to this friend like she was my only reason for being. Right after I got home from my most recent DC trip, I called this friend and told her how I still felt.

She suggested therapy. We've barely spoken since. It's hard for me to argue with someone I know is right.

Now there's nothing wrong with mixing things up. This year I've sent and received messages from other friends I haven't seen in years. These are friends that have always been mutual, not platonic. It's great to catch up with old friends, as long as self-delusion doesn't enter into the picture.

putting the compliments-fishing rod away

There's definitely hope for me. I've already started reading up on self-improvement and making some very important phone calls. My life is good now. I have a good job. My family's coming to visit soon. When I'm not at work, there are plenty of friends near and far to meet with or just talk with.

My running, walking, and miscellaneous exercise (DDR) plan is still coming along. I get some good exercise a few times every week. While the pounds have barely started to come off, at least it's nice to know that a good diet and a more active lifestyle can keep things under control.

Too much introspection is not a good thing. It's been hard to get this month's entry down into text. I guess that putting feelings into words is hard, sometimes. Thanks for reading them.

Back to June 2004, or to the year 2004.

Where am I?

This is Weill Aspects, the official news archive of Jason Weill Web Productions. All articles posted to the front page end up here. This page was generated automatically by a series of Perl scripts.

Articles in Weill Aspects are organized solely by date. You may find the Google search in the left column to be useful if you are looking for an article but do not know the date on which it was posted.

Weill Aspects is composed of static web pages generated as appropriate when a new article is posted. It was developed in May 2001 as a way of managing the content on this site. I also used it extensively while in Japan, during which time I did not have continuous access to the Internet. I was able to write daily updates during July and August 2002, pack the files onto a CD-R or memory device, and upload them from the Internet-connected computers at school.

These scripts are all hacked together in less than elegant fashion, and I don't plan to release them. Some of the design that went into Aspects also was used to develop Livestat, a suite of Perl scripts to process statistics for academic competition tournaments. Livestat is available freely.