The Syosset Citizenship Test

Your first name: Ashley Brittany Cookie Danforth Danielle Fawn Samson Tiffany Trevor Wallace Winston Other

Compose your last name, using the following prefixes and suffixes:
Bern Black Cooper Coh Edel Fein Gersh Gold Green Hoff Klein New Ratzen Sauber Sein Silver Stein Stern Tann Villin Wein Zimmer berg berger blatt en er feld field man owitz sky smith stein

1. Are you a snob?
   What-ever.
   Like, what?
   Totally.
   Puh-leeze.
   What's a snob, daddy?
2. Cars your family owns (check all that apply):
   Note: This symbol: means that you should check the box only if you own the newest model.

   Acura NSX	Acura SLX Sport-Utility Vehicle	Aston Martin
   Bentley	BMW 7-Series	BMW 8-Series
   BMW Z3	Cadillac	Chevy Blazer
   Corvette	Dodge Viper	Ferrari
   Ford Expedition	Ford Explorer	Ford Mustang
   GMC Yukon	Hummer	Infiniti Q45
   Infinity QX4	Jeep Grand Cherokee	Jeep Wrangler
   Lamborghini	Land Rover	Lincoln Navigator
   Mercedes SL500/SL600	Mercury Mountaineer	Nissan Pathfinder
   Porsche	Range Rover	Subaru Forester

3. What color is your Ford Explorer?
   Black. Jet black. I'm getting it painted black tomorrow.
   
4. Do you drive your sport-utility vehicles off-road?
   Of course. Of course not. I loaded it up so much, it CAN'T go off-road. No! That might screw up the $5000 paint job! Off-road? People can't envy it there! What's "off-road" mean?
   
5. Do you care that small sport-utilities are unsafe?
   They are not! Who cares? I'm rich! If it has four-wheel drive, it's safe.
   
6. At what age did you start driving?
7. If you see a t-shirt on sale for $50, what's your first impression?
   Fifty AMERICAN dollars?! What a bargain! Buy me that, daddy! Ask if it comes in blue, daddy. White is SOOO out.
   
   
8. What's your favorite TV show?
   Melrose Place. Beverly Hills, 90210. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Dawson's Creek. Any of that classy stuff on Fox.
   
   
9. In your house, what's the ratio of people to bathrooms?
   1:1 1:2 1:3 Daddy said I didn't need to learn math.
   
   
10. Do you consider yourself to be "hardcore"?
    F--- yeah! Ah be down wit' da hood in muh phat BMW dat muh daddy bawt me. If my daddy's Gold Card doesn't make me hardcore, I don't know what is. Yes. I have a $90 t-shirt with some hardcore stuff on it. My $150 Oakley sunglasses make me hardcore. Yes, cuz I pump hardcore rap through my $3,000 stereo system. Shut up, you nerd, and do my homework!
    
    
11. How do you do in school?
    I get good grades. If I don't get good grades, my parents will only buy me a used car. Why should I care? I won't need to work. I don't do well because "Seventeen" magazine said that only nerds do well. What?
    
    
12. Do you consider yourself to be a non-conformist?
    Yes! Power to the people! Yes. I only do what YM and Seventeen magazine tell me to. Yes, and that explains why I only wear clothing that's in style. What's a "non-conformist", daddy?
    
    
13. How long is your attention span?
    About as long as a music video. It's about to run out because this test is too LONG! Everything should be made into a music video. What was the question again?
    
    
14. (*) Briefly describe your best friends.
    You mean the ones that i actually like? ...or do you mean the ones that actually like me? Why? What did they say about me? Do you spell tiffany with an "i" or a "y"? You mean those people who follow me and want to be like me?
    
    
15. What are your beliefs on immigration?
    Eew! Dirty foreign people! Everyone should speak English fluently. I immigrate to my summer home in the Hamptons every summer. Why are you using such big words?
    
    
16. Why do you use America On-Line?
    They sent me this free disk, see... It IS free, isn't it? AOL owns the Internet, doesn't it? All my friends use it. Three words: Keyword "Cliff Notes". Because I LIKE wasteful interfaces and overpricing. Why should *I* care if it's a ripoff? I'm not paying for it!
    
    
17. (*) How'd you do on your SAT's?
    
    I'll do better after my three Princeton Review courses.
    How many points do you get for your name?
    What's the test out of again?
    I thought SAT stood for Style, Attitude, and Talking, so I didn't think I'd have a problem.
    I can still turn an F into an A on this, right?
    I aced it -- 800 combined.
    Sorry, i don't get up that early.
    
    
    Questions 18-20 are intended for female test-takers. Males should proceed to question 21 and begin the mandatory 15-minute reading period.
    
    
18. (*) How much do you weigh?
    
    With or without makeup?
    I think this question violates my privacy, and my daddy's a lawyer. Daddy!
    Call my personal trainer or my nutritionist if you really care.
    
    
    
19. (*) What color is your hair?
    
    I swear it's natural, really!
    Hold on, let me look at the box.
    Let me check with Pierre, my personal stylist.
    Do you mean the top, the bottom, or the highlights?
    Are you implying i have roots?! I do not need my roots done!
    
    
    
20. How many calories do you consume per day?
    There's no calories in Tic Tacs, right? Probably about 500. My boyfriend doesn't want me to eat any calories. Don't worry. I live on Diet Coke and breath mints. Salads are healthy, so they don't have any calories. If you cut things into little pieces, all the calories go away. None -- I want to be fit and trim like Kate Moss.
    
    
21. (*) Check each statement with which you agree.
    1. I carry a beeper and a cell-phone... I really need both.
    2. I would rather die than take the bus.
    3. I would want to be friends with the cast of "Beverly Hills, 90210."
    4. Ally McBeal is too fat.
    5. My makeup bag is bigger than my backpack.
    6. I can't tell my schoolbag apart from anyone else's.
    7. $250 isn't too much money for a pocketbook... come on, it's a Kate Spade!
    8. I carry a cell-phone because i can't figure out how to use the pay phone.
    9. Daddy personalized my car for me: Brooke Melissa Weiss.
    10. I always use Full Service because I don't know how to pump my own gas.
    11. (**) I don't know -- and don't care -- who the Governor of my state is.
    12. I don't think that a nose job really counts as plastic surgery.
    
    
22. Why do you want to live in Syosset anyway?
    I'll really fit in there. I don't want to. I just like answering phony tests. My daddy bought another house there. They have, like, malls and stuff. [Actually, we don't.] It's the Beverly Hills of the East!