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The Syosset Citizenship Test



Do you have what it takes to live in one of Long Island's snobbiest towns? If you want to test your snobbiness against talented spoiled brats, then try your luck at the Syosset Citizenship Test. Sharpen those No. 2 pencils... if you bought a $50 imported pencil sharpener to do this, you're well on your way.

Your first name:

Compose your last name, using the following prefixes and suffixes:

  1. Are you a snob?
  2. What-ever.
  3. Like, what?
  4. Totally.
  5. Puh-leeze.
  6. What's a snob, daddy?
  7. Cars your family owns (check all that apply):
    Note: This symbol: [new] means that you should check the box only if you own the newest model.
    Acura NSX Acura SLX Sport-Utility Vehicle Aston Martin
    Bentley BMW 7-Series BMW 8-Series
    BMW Z3 Cadillac [new] Chevy Blazer
    Corvette [new] Dodge Viper Ferrari
    Ford Expedition Ford Explorer [new] Ford Mustang [new]
    GMC Yukon [new] Hummer Infiniti Q45 [new]
    Infinity QX4 Jeep Grand Cherokee [new] Jeep Wrangler [new]
    Lamborghini Land Rover [new] Lincoln Navigator [new]
    Mercedes SL500/SL600 Mercury Mountaineer Nissan Pathfinder [new]
    Porsche Range Rover Subaru Forester
  8. What color is your Ford Explorer?

  9. Do you drive your sport-utility vehicles off-road?

  10. Do you care that small sport-utilities are unsafe?

  11. At what age did you start driving?
  12. If you see a t-shirt on sale for $50, what's your first impression?


  13. What's your favorite TV show?


  14. In your house, what's the ratio of people to bathrooms?


  15. Do you consider yourself to be "hardcore"?


  16. How do you do in school?


  17. Do you consider yourself to be a non-conformist?


  18. How long is your attention span?


  19. (*) Briefly describe your best friends.


  20. What are your beliefs on immigration?


  21. Why do you use America On-Line?


  22. (*) How'd you do on your SAT's?
  23. I'll do better after my three Princeton Review courses.
  24. How many points do you get for your name?
  25. What's the test out of again?
  26. I thought SAT stood for Style, Attitude, and Talking, so I didn't think I'd have a problem.
  27. I can still turn an F into an A on this, right?
  28. I aced it -- 800 combined.
  29. Sorry, i don't get up that early.


  30. Questions 18-20 are intended for female test-takers. Males should proceed to question 21 and begin the mandatory 15-minute reading period.

  31. (*) How much do you weigh?
  32. With or without makeup?
  33. I think this question violates my privacy, and my daddy's a lawyer. Daddy!
  34. Call my personal trainer or my nutritionist if you really care.


  35. (*) What color is your hair?
  36. I swear it's natural, really!
  37. Hold on, let me look at the box.
  38. Let me check with Pierre, my personal stylist.
  39. Do you mean the top, the bottom, or the highlights?
  40. Are you implying i have roots?! I do not need my roots done!


  41. How many calories do you consume per day?


  42. (*) Check each statement with which you agree.
    1. I carry a beeper and a cell-phone... I really need both.
    2. I would rather die than take the bus.
    3. I would want to be friends with the cast of "Beverly Hills, 90210."
    4. Ally McBeal is too fat.
    5. My makeup bag is bigger than my backpack.
    6. I can't tell my schoolbag apart from anyone else's.
    7. $250 isn't too much money for a pocketbook... come on, it's a Kate Spade!
    8. I carry a cell-phone because i can't figure out how to use the pay phone.
    9. Daddy personalized my car for me: Brooke Melissa Weiss.
    10. I always use Full Service because I don't know how to pump my own gas.
    11. (**) I don't know -- and don't care -- who the Governor of my state is.
    12. I don't think that a nose job really counts as plastic surgery.

  43. Why do you want to live in Syosset anyway?

Thank you for taking this test. I would love to be able to grade it objectively, but unfortunately that would introduce the risk of certain students not doing well. Seeing as though we cannot have such a flagrant violation of Syosset grading policy, you'll all get A's. If your college of choice prefers an A+, please have your lawyer send me a signed affidavit.

* Credit for this question goes to fellow Syosset informant Rebecca Meyers.

** Credit for this question goes to fellow Syosset informant Karan Johar.


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